Feeling a tiny bit better and Give Her the River

I felt a tiny bit better today.  I drove myself to the doctor and I was the one and only patient at 8:15 a.m.! It was weird being there with no other patients.  The nurse called me this afternoon just to check on me and said she would call in the morning with the results. 

Other than some soreness in my left hip area and walking pretty slow at the moment I feel ok.  My plan is to go to work tomorrow.  I will have to see how it goes...I have high hopes for tomorrow.  I am going to bed soon since I never got to rest this afternoon since Olivia didn't want to nap!

Last night before bed Brendon tried to read Olivia the book Giver Her the River...of course she didn't want to read it.  The book is special to us because it came from a special bookstore that no longer exists in Beaufort, SC.  I bought it because of the beautiful cover and bought it before we even knew we were pregnant, and pregnant with a girl.  When we started reading books to Olivia in utero, Brendon grabbed this book one night and read it.  We kind of giggled that I picked the book out and didn't even notice that it says "A father's wish for his daughter." But the book is special to us and of course Olivia wanted to read it tonight.  I cried for a minute or two because I know she doesn't understand why this book is special.  One day she will understand!

Explaining this to a 2 year old, strong and embarrassed

Probably the one person that has really had a hard time with mommy out of commission is Olivia.  I feel awful for her.  I know her poor heart just breaks when I say that I can't do this or play that and that I need to rest.  She has even told me a few times to go take a rest.  But she has adapted well though with all the changes.  She actually goes to bed better and takes a nap longer for Brendon! I don't know what his trick is! But it is pretty magical.  There is a little whiny-ness here and there from her but overall she has been pretty good.  I feel awful that I can't scoop her up and carry her...she has settled for holding my hand and walking with her.  But she has tried taking care of me too! One day we will look back on this time and explain things to her.

At times today I felt really good and other times a little bit on the awful side.  I felt pretty pukey before dinner and now feel a bit crampy.  I am hoping and praying my blood work goes good tomorrow morning even though I expect a rise in my numbers which seems to be the trend with the Methotrexate and that is why I need to have blood work done again on Wednesday.  I am really hoping to go back to work on Tuesday but we will have to see how I feel.

I am really trying to stay strong and not crumble.  Again thank you for all your prayers and support.  It truly means a lot.  Even though at the same time I feel embarrassed at times.  I am embarrassed because this is happening again.  It was bad enough to experience a late miscarriage in 2009 but to have something else happen like this happen again it makes me embarrassed.  At times I feel like my body is a hot mess and it makes me embarrassed and at times a bit self-conscious about myself and how everything always has to be so complicated with it.  I know I am beating myself up right now but that is how I feel.  I know I need to accept this body and all that goes along with it...the good and the bad. So tomorrow I am going to try to smile and try to feel better.

Sesame Street Live and Letting it Out

I tried yesterday to sell our Sesame Street Live tickets seeing that I would not be able to go.  I had great hopes that I would be feeling better.  Well after still not feeling better yesterday I tried to sell them.  Then I asked Brendon out of curiosity if he would take Olivia on his own.  He said he would.  I think he is more confident with driving to Atlanta and doing the parking etc.  So they left today after lunch and I cried because I couldn't go and I was a bit nervous.  But they did great and had a great time! I am so happy they went.  When they got home Olivia told me all about it.  She told me that Elmo took Abby's wand and they did lots of singing and dancing.  Not many smiles in the pictures but she did have fun!

Earlier on Facebook I posted a message to all my friends about what was going on.  I didn't want to write some long drawn out status about what was going on....if people want to know they will either ask or keep reading the blog.  I felt ok today.  Still not 100% but tried to rest while Olivia and Brendon were gone today.  But just know that we are fine (or as fine as we can be) and your words of encouragement and prayers are well appreciated.  I had to let it out...and sometimes letting it out makes things a tiny bit better.  

What has been going on

Well since Tuesday and getting that dose of Methotrexate for the Ectopic Pregnancy there has been a whole lot of not feeling well.  There have been moments of feeling good but then I feel awful.  I am going to be honest....this is hard.  As I talked with the nurse today she said to me, "This is a loss and you need time to grieve and you need time to feel better both mentally and physically."  From headaches, to nausea, to some cramping, and some numbness in my leg, and now I feel incredibly hot...and yes I already took my temperature and do not have a fever.  But the nurse said more rest...and take Monday off of work.  I really don't want to miss work anymore...writing sub plans is really hard to do and I feel awful the students have a substitute.  But right now I need some time to rest and recover.  We thank you for all your prayers and support through this difficult time.  I have to say Brendon has been Super Dad and husband to the rescue the past few days.  I am thankful that he has been here to help, not sure how else I could do it.

Even More Complicated

I thought it was complicated enough yesterday.  Today when I woke up I was not feeling well.  I felt like I was going to vomit any minute but didn't.  I noticed when I left work that I was having some discomfort on my left side...just felt weird.  By the time I got to the doctor I was worried and I tried to tell the lady at the desk but she cut me off.  I waited a few more minutes and let someone else know and they told me to tell the nurse when I got called back.  I told her what was going on and she brought me in a room.  I did my lab work and then my doctor gave me an ultrasound.  What they saw 2 weeks ago was still there and looked bigger.  Therefore she suggested we start the Methotrexate treatment.  So then I had to have more lab work- yup both arms today! I am one lucky girl.  After discussing all the options with her, this would be the best course of treatment.  I didn't know that the medication was actually chemo. So basically today I had a round of chemo and it stinks.  I am sore right now at the 2 injection sites but feel not like myself.  I am home at least the next 2 days on rest- no lifting, no exercise...just rest.  Don't worry Brendon is home taking good care of Olivia and I.  Right now we just need some prayers that this works because if it doesn't we can repeat it with a stronger dose or have surgery where I may lose my Fallopian tube.

Life is so complicated sometimes....

Complicated

Do you ever have moments in life when you think that it could never get more complicated?  I had one of those today.  While I prayed and prayed for a big fat zero on my blood work...well guess what it went back up to a 63!! Ugh...I am just so frustrated and mad at whatever this body is doing.  So tomorrow I have to go back for more blood work...I think I need my own personal parking place now at the doctor's office.  My doctor is really hoping it is a lab error (and so am I) but everything in my life is always complicated and never easy.  I hope on Wednesday to have some better news...

Olivia and Brendon had a great morning at Gymboree and Lowes.  We had a pretty good afternoon besides pooping in her pants while talking to the doctor (her reason was she was having too much fun chasing Jake with her stroller). Olivia made up for it though by going on the potty later in the evening. 

Here is Olivia enjoying her Oreo cookie after lunch...her shirt explains it all...Too Cute!

Daddy's Dove Hunting Day

Usually Brendon dove hunts the first Saturday of September but this year he did not get selected for the quota hunt he usually does.  So his friend and him made dove hunting plans for today.  I had grand plans of taking Olivia to church or something out of the house.  Well this stinker kept saying she had to go.  That means she needs to go #2.  After SEVERAL false attempts....she finally went at 1:40...but she went on the potty so that is all that counts.  Don't worry we did laundry and cleaned up a little bit in the meantime of sitting on the potty. 

Olivia and I did see something cool around dinner time.  Talk about the Very Hungry Caterpillar coming to life.  In the paper on Saturday they mentioned the Hickory Horned Caterpillar and the Saddleback Caterpillar can be seen.  Well we saw one of them...not sure which on the back door.  We were watching it and I guess it got to close to a spider's eggs.  This little spider probably the size of the dime wrapped that caterpillar in its silk.  The caterpillar put up a good fight though.  It was really neat to watch!

Brendon left about 10:30 and got home about 7.  He got one bird! He showed Olivia and of course Jake and they were both excited.