I asked for Grace and Patience and all I got was...

At the end of last summer and as a new school year began I asked for some grace and patience from some friends and all I got was...left alone.  I have thought a lot about posting this for awhile.  Maybe it will be just rambling and maybe it will make sense in the end.

Being a full time working mom is hard.  I think it is difficult doing it with one child and I give mad credit to the moms who do it with more than one child- you are a superhero to me.  Being a full time working teacher mom is also very difficult.

The morning starts with a drop off at Olivia's daycare to her morning before Pre-K care.  She isn't the only one there, but I feel the mom guilt every day when I drop her off.  I pass by the same moms and dads every morning who are doing just the same.  I am not sure if they feel as guilty as I do dropping off their child, but I see something in their face, it is a bond we share, like a secret club and a high five, we can do it.  I then zoom to work in 12 minutes or less and pray that I don't get stuck in the traffic of the high school and get to school on time.  Then for 8+ hours, I try to turn off wife and mom, and be teacher and mom to 26 precious second graders.  I literally never get to sit, answer an email in complete coherent sentences, and maybe get a split second to go to the bathroom while zooming to a meeting.  Then it is the same 12 minute drive to pick my sweet girl up and turn back on wife and mom.  I can't get there fast enough some days.  I get 24 minutes, maybe to myself during the day which is driving my car.  I can't text you, or call because there is a quiet moment that I need as I transform myself to the next person.  Once we get home it is dinner, sometime dance or gymnastics which give me some time to grade my papers, and getting to bed.  Finally after 9 pm, when that sweet girl is in bed, I finish my school work, pack lunches, and get ready for the new day.

Since the summer I let the blog slip, and lots of other things too, because of time...I need more of it. So I tried to explain to some friends that I needed some grace- for not being the friend I could and should be and some patience while I tried to figure out 26 hours in 24 hours, but all I got was left alone.  I was being honest from my heart, and all that has happened was that my heart got hurt. Yes we are busy in this season of our life with life in general.  I don't feel guilty about it because I know His grace covers me, that is all I know and need.  I asked for grace and all I got was left alone and a snarky post on Facebook about what grace means...I guess I didn't know the true definition.

Sometimes life is just messy or we are just busy with life, but God meets us in our mess.  Life is messy and it is never perfect.  I like to say I am and my life is imperfectly perfect.  At 36 years old, I am the person that I am because of all the mess that I have created and been through.  But when a mom is waving a white flag and asks for grace, give it, without question, and ask,  "Is there anything I can do?" Throw a life raft and help try to save me just for a bit, don't walk away and leave me alone, that didn't help either and made my heart hurt.

It is 11:07, I took a time out for me to write this.  Now to make my lunch and get ready for tomorrow, and go to bed.  Looking forward to my grace being refilled tomorrow morning.

6 years later

It has been 6 years. 6 years I can't believe.  The grief and the pain still linger.  It comes in waves still. But this time around Thanksgiving 6 years ago, I still remember like it was yesterday, my water broke and I lost out first baby.  It is still painful and emotional.  One of my favorite books, Hope for the Weary Mom has a great chapter, Chapter 8- When Life Hurts Too Much, which I read and still cry when I read that chapter.  At times I am not ready to lift the lid of my box and let go and forget.  This is part of me, part of our family, and part of what we have become.  I know one day I will have to share this story with Olivia.  I can only hope and pray that she understands.  I am so grateful and thankful for God's blessings for our family.  He taught me the greatest thing of all- patience.  From now on I use what else I learned- hope and grace.  Hope for each and every day.  Grace, because life just get messy at times and everyone needs some grace.

Day with Daddy and TIRED

Yesterday Brendon had daddy-daughter day.  I worked all day, ran home for dinner, dressed Olivia for dance class, went back to school for Curriculum Night, and then zoomed home right in time for bedtime.  I was so tired I was delirious...needless to say I think I fell asleep at 10 pm.  Woke up today and was just flat out tired...we all were at school.  It was just a long day yesterday and lots of testing today which makes the day long and my feet are sore! I just couldn't wait to get Olivia today and spend some time with her.  I still am having so much guilt for working full time especially seeing the fun pictures from yesterday.  Right now I feel I am thinly spread out on a sandwich which is the wife, me, mom, and teacher sandwich.  I don't feel I am doing good at any of these jobs at the moment....my brain is working overtime and I know I am not doing a good job listening because my brain is thinking about 7 million other things at the same time....I hope it gets easier because at the end of the school day today I was tired and weary...and I had some tears at dinner because I was just so tired and Jake was being bad...tomorrow is a new day...