6 years later

It has been 6 years. 6 years I can't believe.  The grief and the pain still linger.  It comes in waves still. But this time around Thanksgiving 6 years ago, I still remember like it was yesterday, my water broke and I lost out first baby.  It is still painful and emotional.  One of my favorite books, Hope for the Weary Mom has a great chapter, Chapter 8- When Life Hurts Too Much, which I read and still cry when I read that chapter.  At times I am not ready to lift the lid of my box and let go and forget.  This is part of me, part of our family, and part of what we have become.  I know one day I will have to share this story with Olivia.  I can only hope and pray that she understands.  I am so grateful and thankful for God's blessings for our family.  He taught me the greatest thing of all- patience.  From now on I use what else I learned- hope and grace.  Hope for each and every day.  Grace, because life just get messy at times and everyone needs some grace.

5 years later

5 years ago I was sitting in the doctor's office hearing the unthinkable, "I'm so sorry, your water broke, your baby isn't going to make it."  It left a very long weekend of sorrow while we waited...waited for something to happen...seconds and minutes seemed like hours.  At 13.5 weeks pregnant you don't expect your water to break.  We thought we crossed the threshold of 12 weeks and were safe and excited. 

It was a moment in life where time stood still, and life as I knew it stopped.

There are times still now that it sneaks up on me and takes my breath away and tears flow. 

He, we were pretty sure the baby was a boy, would be 4 1/2 years old, I would be a mama of  a preschooler, and Olivia would be his baby sister.

Embrace posted a great read today...it was perfect for me to read...
reflection-of-you

At the same time I am grateful and thankful to have experienced this...I have grown from this.  I have learned so many things- patience, struggle, faith, and grace.  And from this the greatest blessing of Olivia who is truly a gift that not many people understand.

This is one of the last sonogram pictures we had done at 12 weeks and that same day we heard a heartbeat.  I am thankful and grateful that this baby changed my life, changed me, and made me realize how precious life can be.

A prayer for when I need it...“Lord, I invite You to do the work You want to do in my life today.  I need your grace more than I know or can express right now.  This broken place is tender to the touch and everything within me wants to struggle within your will.  But today, I offer my plan for your purpose.  I surrender my hopes, dreams, and discouragements into your hands.  With my tiny fragment of faith, I say to you, ‘Lord I trust You,’ not only with this one thing, but with my entire life.”