5 years later

5 years ago I was sitting in the doctor's office hearing the unthinkable, "I'm so sorry, your water broke, your baby isn't going to make it."  It left a very long weekend of sorrow while we waited...waited for something to happen...seconds and minutes seemed like hours.  At 13.5 weeks pregnant you don't expect your water to break.  We thought we crossed the threshold of 12 weeks and were safe and excited. 

It was a moment in life where time stood still, and life as I knew it stopped.

There are times still now that it sneaks up on me and takes my breath away and tears flow. 

He, we were pretty sure the baby was a boy, would be 4 1/2 years old, I would be a mama of  a preschooler, and Olivia would be his baby sister.

Embrace posted a great read today...it was perfect for me to read...
reflection-of-you

At the same time I am grateful and thankful to have experienced this...I have grown from this.  I have learned so many things- patience, struggle, faith, and grace.  And from this the greatest blessing of Olivia who is truly a gift that not many people understand.

This is one of the last sonogram pictures we had done at 12 weeks and that same day we heard a heartbeat.  I am thankful and grateful that this baby changed my life, changed me, and made me realize how precious life can be.

A prayer for when I need it...“Lord, I invite You to do the work You want to do in my life today.  I need your grace more than I know or can express right now.  This broken place is tender to the touch and everything within me wants to struggle within your will.  But today, I offer my plan for your purpose.  I surrender my hopes, dreams, and discouragements into your hands.  With my tiny fragment of faith, I say to you, ‘Lord I trust You,’ not only with this one thing, but with my entire life.”

Breaking the Silence- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It is a difficult day for many women, husbands, and families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Just because today is a designated day to remember pregnancy and infant loss doesn't mean that we don't remember it daily.  Still almost 5 years later it doesn't get any easier especially when I year ago I experienced another loss through an Ectopic pregnancy. 

I read a great book by Stacey Thacker, "Being Ok with Where you Are."

 

It is a great book and really has helped me deal with the struggles of grief and letting go, and any other life event that I struggle with.  When I struggle the most, there is a great prayer I try to get through (I am really trying to memorize it but my memory stinks lately!)

A prayer to start the day with, “Lord, I invite You to do the work You want to do in my life today.  I need your grace more than I know or can express right now.  This broken place is tender to the touch and everything within me wants to struggle within your will.  But today, I offer my plan for your purpose.  I surrender my hopes, dreams, and discouragements into your hands.  With my tiny fragment of faith, I say to you, ‘Lord I trust You,’ not only with this one thing, but with my entire life.”

I also read a great post about 15 lessons learned from miscarriage...

15-lessons-learned-from-miscarriage 

Please refer to my post from last year about some things that you can do as a friend or family member who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss.

http://familybarth.blogspot.com/2013/10/breaking-silence-pregnancy-and-infant.html

A Full Time Adventure

Close the chapter on my 11th year of teaching. I have been truly blessed the past 3 school years to work half time.  It has been the best of both worlds- part time stay at home mommy and half time teacher. But that is coming to an end =( So next year I will be back to work full time.  There are many pros and cons, there is a lot of guilt and excitement.  Lots of people have asked me how I feel...I feel kinda blah at the moment, a little scared that Olivia will miss me more than she does now, and that she will be mad at me because I will only see her a few hours a day.  I am going to try to be proactive this summer and get some things done....what? I have no idea but I brought some stuff home though! One thing I do keep thinking about is that in 2 years Olivia will be coming with me to school....so that is the light at the end of the tunnel....the really long tunnel.... but for now this is the path and plan that God has for me and us right now.