Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Hope...and a Leap of Faith... One Year Later
This is for my friends that have gone through a similar situation or are going through it right now. This has taken a lot of thought and time to write and it is for you. I rarely write something so personal but I know it hits close to home for many of you.
*** Tissue Warning*** You may or may not need one
As I was thinking back to last summer- yes all the fun times that we are missing out on a little bit this year...it was this time last year that we were hoping and taking a leap of faith with our fertility. Fertility and Infertility whatever you want to call it, it is all the same wrapped up in a box most of the time without a bow.
It is a painful secret that some of us keep inside. Many of us don't like to talk about it because a lot of people don't understand and feel sorry for you OR they just don't know what to say back except for, "Keep trying, it will happen one day." You can only hear that so many times and you are over it. It is almost like you wear a scarlet letter because you are having difficulty getting pregnant. At times you feel like an outsider to your friends that have children. It can be really lonely at times. It also can be awkward. I hated when people asked, "When are you having children?" You just don't know what to say because you just don't feel like explaining everything!
It has become a more popular issue lately in my circle of friends. At times I think it is odd that I know so many people that are going through or went through infertility/fertility treatments. Is it something in the water? Something that we were exposed to when we were children? Who knows.... but it is hard to explain. But I am glad my friends have shared their story and we have been there for each other in the hardest moments of hearing, "Your not pregnant," to the moments of sharing our happiness about success- even if it was a little success such as having normal results of a test.
Last year we were footsteps from the door of the fertility clinic to do IVF (In vitro fertilization). My doctor at the time said we will try 2 more things before I send you over there. #1 Have a Hystosonogram. At this point I had every other test in the world from a Hysterosalpingogram and every blood test in the world. I thought piece of cake. I am sure they will tell me I am normal once again- and they did. No surprise there. #2 He said let's try 3 rounds of Clomid. After talking with Brendon we thought that was our best next option and last option before going to the fertility clinic. So there we went with a little hope and a leap of faith into this little white pill. I decided to give up some things and see if that was part of the problem. I gave up running, caffeine, and tried to only eat organic fruits and veggies. I am not sure if giving up any of those things caused anything else to happen but you just never know. And what do you know...that first round worked....hence Olivia. We did not expect it at all and even at that point I felt like giving up. I became ok at some point with not having children because I was satisfied with my life and what we had been blessed with. Did I deep down give up? Absolutely not but I didn't want my inability to get pregnant to interfere with my life and went on living day in and day out.
But my point being it is a journey and sometimes a painful one. Sometimes you feel people don't understand what you are going through. It is not only a mental game but a physical one. The poking and prodding is bad enough but it is the mental part that really beats you up. You are thinking all the time about- Am I pregnant? Why is that person so lucky? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just have a baby? At times you feel like a failure and nothing people can do or say will make the situation any better. It is exhausting and a lot of time you don't want to talk about it because talking to one more person makes one more person who is hoping that something will happen for you.
It is that hope and leap of faith that kept us going. Even in the darkest hours and the saddest moments that hope is what kept us going. It is when people think having a baby is so easy- well for some of us it is not. I have learned a lot these past few years. I have learned how to be strong and put on a brave face when you are crumbling inside. I have learned that sometimes when you lose your faith that sometimes a light will shine so you can find it. Most of all I have learned patience. I patiently waited for something good to happen. God can only give you so much to burden at a time and I knew he had a plan for us.
To my friends who have opened up and shared with me over the past few years I thank you. I thank you for being there to listen and share our stories. I feel blessed to help others that are still patiently waiting for something to happen. But most of all this is to help others who are struggling with this inside and give you a little hope that if you take a leap of faith something will happen.
Updates:
People keep asking me- is Olivia going to have a brother or sister? At this point we don't know. I don't know what plans God has for us. With all the genetic information we were given about both of us being carriers of Cystic Fibrosis, I really don't know. It is something that has to be discussed at length with my doctor and probably specialists. Many people have asked me also, with all that you went through to have Olivia would you do that all over again? My answer is yes. Now that we know some more information genetically that may help answer some questions in the future. Right now I feel truly blessed with Olivia and even her pediatrician looked at me and said- you were really lucky. I am not sure if luck is the right word, I would say blessed with a touch of miracle to it.
Here is another great blog to read and Erin's journey who inspired me to rewrite about this today: doublethereinsteins
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