Just one of those days that you wish you could skip...

Today was just one of those days that sometimes you wish you could skip over and just have tomorrow come.  It was a good day but not a star sticker award day.  It was 2 years ago today that Brendon and I found out that we lost our first baby.  We originally started this blog 2 years ago but it was never shared with anyone because we lost the baby.  I won't bore you with the details because most of you know the story.  But basically at 13.5 weeks my water broke and we lost our little one.  My doctor at the time said she had never had that happen in the 17 years she was practicing.  We were devastated.  All those hopes and dreams were gone in an instant.

How does one recuperate from this?  It is hard I will tell you that.  It doesn't go away like everyone thinks.  Talking about it is hard but also therapeutic at the same time.  It takes time, a lot of soul searching, forgiveness- to myself mostly because I felt a lot of blame towards myself even though I couldn't have prevented it, and strength to try again.  But it is probably one of the most difficult and painful experiences to go through in life.  But in the end it taught us a lot.  It taught us a lot about love, kindness and support from others- I don't think we would have made it through it on our own- My parents called us for 3 weeks straight everyday to make sure we were ok and give us strength- sometimes it was just my mom listening to me cry but that was ok because I needed to get it out- and I know I cried with a few other people- Karyn- I know we were crying in my garage as soon as I pulled in the driveway, Franki I remember for sure with on the phone and Sybil I remember praying with.  I believe it was the strength and support of others really helped. I thank Malissa for calling me and talking to me like a regular person and making me come out of my house! It was those small gestures that helped us heal.

Probably the best advice I got from several people is that I had to let go and give it to God to take care of.  I was so mad at the time that I had a hard time doing this.  I was mostly mad at God and myself. How could he be so cruel to take a life away from someone that wanted a baby so badly?  I felt like he was punishing me for something that I did wrong- but in the end I was only punishing myself.  I knew God had a plan for us.  It was a plan that we had no control of.  Probably one of the bible quotes that helped me the most was Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I tried to remember that everyday to help myself.  I don't know exactly when I decided to let go but I did.  I knew God would take care of this baby along with all the other special people in heaven.

I have dreaded this day coming just as I did last year.  But I did better this year.  When I woke up this morning to the happiest little girl at 7:15 (I think she is the only happy person at this time) I just sat in front of her crib and watched her smile and play.  I told myself to try not to cry today and be happy with the miracle that we are blessed with.  Olivia truly is a blessing to us.   She fills our hearts everyday.  Even on a bad day, that little smile warms my heart- like today when she didn't want to eat her carrots or take a nap so I could make Thanksgiving food for tomorrow! But even still two years later I am healing and loving the life that we have. Randy Pausch said it best- Never give up: There are certain times that you think, “OK, you have beaten me down to my knees. And now the challenge is, I am on my knees and you keep on beating me down. And the question is, are you going to keep beating me all the way to the ground or will I find a way to struggle my way back on to my feet.”

Thank you Olivia for making today and everyday brighter for us! You are our miracle and blessing!