Not a Good Friend

There are things that I know, and many things that I do not know.

Right now I do know this.  I am just not a good friend at the moment.  In fact I would vote myself the worst person ever to try to be friends with at the moment.  It takes a lot to admit that, but if I am speaking truth, that in fact is the truth and nothing but the truth.  I even said it out loud to a colleague the other day. 

I am in no way complaining about my life or feel the need to explain this to someone or anyone in general or even try to gain some sympathy.  This is just my heart being shared with you. And NO don't try to be my friend at the moment, it just won't work, trust me, it won't work at the time being.

I know me well and I should know me well being 37 years old.  A little too well I can say- 37 years of knowing me is a LONG time.  Right now in this season of life there are priorities.  There is a difference between "I don't have time" and "Its a priority."  At times I am overwhelmed with my priorities- in no particular order- wife, mom, daughter, teacher of 24 students, runner, the list can go on.  Those right there are my priorities.

Being a mom and a teacher is very difficult.  I try to get some work stuff done at school, but it is hard to get done, and I seriously don't ever get time to sit down, LIKE NEVER EVER.  I really try not to do work stuff while Olivia is awake at home after school.  My focus is her and what our family needs done- laundry, dishes, cooking, homework, the list could go on.  I grade papers while she is at dance or gymnastics, and do all the rest of school stuff after she goes to bed- and yes even on a Saturday night at 10:00 pm I still have papers to grade. There are nights I am up to 11:30 doing school stuff, and I am just deflated and tired to do anything else.  Being friends with a teacher is difficult so please understand and give us teachers some grace, and by Friday...we are really tired!

Right now this season of life is a bit crazy with some organized chaos mixed in. With Brendon working midnights, life is just different and what was balanced, is now a little off balance. The struggle to keep the balance of everything is so very difficult.  You can't understand what it is like until you live it.  He is coming home when we are leaving in the morning.  He is sometimes sleeping while we are awake.  When we do see each other, we try to give each other breaks for running, biking, and hunting and also family time.  It is rare we all sit at the dinner table together for a meal but when we can, we do, that is a priority to us. 

Right now I choose to find joy in this season.  These people are my tribe and I need to love my tribe and be with them. We make the most of our time together. For me, my tribe of 3 is my priority. 

Our circle has grown smaller in this season.  The puzzles pieces of life aren't always fitting together, which is an adjustment. Some things just don't fit anymore.

Right now I have to take it all one day at a time.  Each day I find joy and happiness. It is really hard to admit that one is not good at something, especially at being a friend.  I know I can improve on this, but not right now in this season. Finding balance is hard.  This is my journey and I need to find joy it.  There are more things I find to enjoy daily, than to be unhappy and frustrated about.  I have let some things go which have helped me with finding that joy.

Always looking forward...